You Just KNOW You've Been in Saigon Too Long When...

I'm sure lots of people have given their Top 10 reasons why they love Saigon, hate Vietnam, and even maybe some have come up with their own "You Just Know You've Been in Saigon Too Long When..." List. 

But I don't think anyone has come up with a "You Just Know You've Been in Saigon Too Long When You Return to Your Country And You..." List. 

My friends (as John "I'm so unpredictable I might actually start WW3 over a Tootsie Roll' McCain would say), this is why I have written one here, for my own amusement- not yours.

Hence, if you don't get it, don't like it, or find it offensive- it's not important. What's key is that it's been documented in case Old Tootsie Roll hijacks the hold of the button before January 20.

Without further ado...

You Just Know You've Been in Saigon Too Long When You Return to Your Country And You:

1) Can't hear anymore

2) Speak louder than everyone else, by 33 decibel points

3) Do reach for your camera when you see a guy carrying an 8x8 foot sheet of glass on his motorbike, smoking a cigarette and sending a text message.

4) Get three traffic tickets in your first hour back

5) Leave footprints on your toilet seat

6) Wear ankle stockings with your flip-flops (we know this was predictable, but it's so true)

7) Scream into your cell phone like it's the END OF THE WORLD!!!!!

8) HAAAAAAAWWWWWWWK into the pool gutter

9) Miss the smell of gasoline

10) Just don't give a dang anymore

Of course, some readers had other comments, like "Urinate on your neighbor's house," but we told Old Tootsie Roll that was just too culturally insensitive.

Who Are You Boatman?

My cousin forced me to join him for a movie I did not want to see. I had only vague recollections of Rambo 1, and saw no reason to see Rambo 4. I've seen a lot of bad movies, most of them here in Vietnam, all of them Hollywood-made, and all of them practically free. But Rambo 4 was the WORST movie I have ever seen- EVER. Like, in my entire life, ever. It wasn't even worth the Free price tag. 

The entire movie was one, very long murder scene. You'd think half of Burma was decimated by this one man. But, there was this single, memorable line directed at Sly Stalone by a soon-to-be dead man: "Who are you boatman?" Sly Stalone didn't even respond. That's how bad this movie was- the main man, approaching 90, didn't even have the best line in HIS movie. 

Now, on to more important matters: What is the purpose of this blog?

It's to tell you a little about me. Since no one seems to reading it, I'm going to dive right in and divulge everything about this boatman:

My name is Sam. 

And I am Amerivietman.

Halong Bay-Are the Oreos worth it?

Let me guess- you're coming to Vietnam and you want to know what to do- or better yet, what not to do. A few people have told you Halong Bay isn't worth the trek, and others don't shut up about it. Am I right? Or am I right? 

Well, you've come to the right place, because at TDN, we love to give advice.

First, let's put aside the 4-hour bus ride from Hanoi to the coast (times may differ); and let's focus on the main draw- Oreos. I bet you didn't know it, but Oreos are in vast supply in the Bay area, and they're as good as new. But that's not all. While in the middle of nowhere, enjoying the view and your Oreos, you can also find Choco-Pies and Beer. Yes, Aussies, I said BEER. 

Second, there is the UNESCO-worthy view. If your boat lacks air-con, but has plenty of roaches, contrary to what the booking agent told you, then you may have a hard time focusing on it. We did say 'if,' though- so odds are you'll be able to eat your Oreos and sleep in your room, rather than on the roof of the boat, where there isn't a lot of breeze anyway. Trust us, WE KNOW. Even with these detractors, we say, Hey, if you like water, pretty views, and empty-carbs, this place is pretty darn nice.

Some visitors are a little worried that Halong Bay has become polluted with tourists, though, and want to know: Will there be enough Oreos and Choco-Pies to go around? 

We can only speak from experience, and one other place, but we say, Yes, absolutely, go for it. Your Oreos will not sell out. And just in, TDN has learned they're even selling marble carvings of AMERIVIETMAN. If this makes no sense, you haven't been following the blog enough, and you know who you are. 

Lastly, for the crowd-phobic, this is actually important: you may get annoyed with all the other boats when they meet at the cave. At this point there will be a lot of people, and inevitably a few HHHHAWWWWWKKKERS (loogies), but the view does make for a nice photo op, and let's face it- that's the only thing you really care about anyway. If you'd rather avoid the hassle, feel free to steal this photo from TDN and claim it as your own. 

Disclaimer: TDN has not received a single Oreo from Nabisco for mention in this blog; and that does not make us happy. 

American born in Cu Chi Tunnels 30 years ago Finds Way Out

Today it was announced that an American, as yet unidentified (henceforth called AMERIVIETMAN), and speaking only Vietglish, was found wandering through the jungles of Cu Chi, the popular tourist destination, where over-sized foreign tourists try to squeeze through tunnels leftover from the French and American Wars (as they are known locally). Photo: re-enactment of the "exit," where and how said AMERIVIETMAN "exited."

Pictured here with the former Vietnamese freedom fighters who helped him find daylight, AMERIVIETMAN says, "Dark down there." Sounds scary to us at TDN, but speculation has arisen. Many are asking how AMERIVIETMAN kept his shirt so white 'down there' all these years; and others want to know if the freedom fighters are not mannequins, posing as real people. AMERIVIETMAN simply answers, "UONG," meaning "Drink" in Vietnamese. 

AMERIVIETMAN has apparently been able to communicate what he wants to drink by flashing a 1970s-era beer coaster each time he says "Uong." It appears to be an ad for the Irish beer, Guinness (pictured here). The local authorities swear that they do not know what AMERIVIETMAN is referring to, but their red eyes and cheeks tell another, more disturbing story. AMERIVIETMAN has become a living celebrity since discovery, and many wonder what will become of him. Will he become corrupted by his fame? Will he start to speak English? Will he perform on Vietnam Idol? It's really too soon to tell, but one thing is for sure: AMERIVIETMAN is really, really angry about his missing beer. If found, we at TDN would appreciate a lead: Guinness is $5 a can in Saigon, and if there are a few cases out there, well, we'll split them with you.

For readers who have asked what it was like in the tunnels all of those years, AMERIVIETMAN has been kind enough to pose for this photo in his favorite underground section.

National Drinks of Vietnam Ranked; Mayhem Erupts!

Mayhem erupted yesterday in the streets of Saigon after The Durian News ranked Vietnam's National Drinks. Ardent supporters of Mango Yoghurt had to be fended off when it was revealed that theirs was not even on the list. Here are the Top 5, in order, and this is why:

5) Pure sugar freshly squeezed from sugarcane stalk, available on every corner of Saigon, Sugarcane Juice easily makes the Top 5, but reaches no further. Why, it's fans ask? Because, we say. Just because.  We do like it's price though: at only 2,500 to 3,000 VN Dong (15-20 cents) on the streets, it is hard to beat. And liquid sugar is obviously going to taste good- but it's not very good for you, is it? Thumbs up on color, thumbs down on design- very hard to make on your own. 

4) The Fruit Shake Smoothy comes in at number 4. Price is competitive on the streets, and it is available at most coffee shops. Pictured here is the Banana version, but it comes in other flavors: pineapple, mango, avocado, papaya, carrot, coconut, watermelon, strawberry, and more. Chockfull of sugar, and sweet milk, it's healthy demeanor is somewhat deceiving, but it sure tastes good. And with a flavor for every mood or day of the week, it does wet one's appetite.

3) The Coconut takes third, mainly because it's available for free if you can climb a tree, chop it down, and knock a hole in it; but it's also Linh's favorite, so that has influenced our ratings. The coconut is impressive on many fronts, nonetheless: it is both edible and drinkable; and they say it's good for your bowels and skin. It's only drawback in our opinion is that it can and will kill the unsuspecting tourist, when they (the coconut) falls unexpectedly, breaking a neck and ruining someone's vacation. And we don't like that at all. At all. Bad coconut.

2) Che takes second. Like the Fruit Shake Smoothy, it also comes in a variety of flavors; but even better, it just looks awesome. There's so much crap in there, you have no idea how to begin. Filled with syrup, ice, and an extreme concoction of chewy bits- like corn, durian, fruits, nuts, to name but a few- Che (which refers to a genre of dessert), would have beat out number one if it was only more flexible. You see, Che doesn't mix well with others. It's both a food and drink, which is nice, but it really is still just a dessert. Hard to drink with pizza, or for breakfast, it must be taken on it's own. We do like the price- at 4,000-10,000 Dongers for an endless selection; but let's be serious, we're talking about Vietnam's National Drink here, not Belgium. And there can be only one, number one.

1) Sua, Sweet Milk, sometimes called Condensed Milk, but just Milk in Vietnam, is the obvious choice for numero uno. Some might argue that Vietnamese Coffee should take top seed, but we would like to note that without Sua, there would be no 'real' Vietnamese coffee to begin with. So there. Plus, Sua is in practically everything, from the Fruit Smoothies mentioned above, to the coffee, to many a Che, to cigarettes. Yes, they love this stuff so much in Vietnam, that they actually smoke it. And it attracts tourists. A French couchsurfer (www.couchsurfing.com) who we hosted loved Sua so much, he drank it straight. And I quote: "This is better than wine and cheese!" We couldn't agree more, mon frere. Plus it's actually good for you. OK- maybe not, but it does come in a sexed up can, making it easily portable. 

Because of the current rioting caused by our selections, The Durian News will be operating out of an undisclosed location for the rest of the morning. 

Secret to Life-Long Youth Invented in Saigon

Note the elegant driving gloves (Gan Tai), the almost invisible face masks, and for some, the old sock-and-slipper combo. It's not just rumor: these techniques do keep age away.

On the left, we have a 93-year-old lady who has only recently stopped wearing her ankle stockings, and her feet look very young indeed. Her green sweater makes Saigon's sweltering heat feel like Hell, but it does keep the sun and muck off of her entirety, including hair. It's hard to tell if her gloves go all the way up, or end at the wrists, but who cares. Her face mask, although small, does keep her nostrils youthful. We give her a 9.0 out of 1o. Although she risks adding a few years below the knees, she is wearing heals and riding a motorbike. Truly seasoned.

Believe it or not, the lady to the left, is 101, and is still able to pick up recyclables, ride a bike and maintain her own style. Note the durable Cone hat, the Red arm-length Revlon gloves, and the sock-n-sandal combo. Odds are she will live to 150 and still look seventeen. We like how she covers and color-matches her gloves with her neck and chin guards, but points deducted for the obvious lack of eyes-ears-nose-and upper lip covering. What would her ENT think? We could have overlooked that, perhaps, if it was not for the clear disregard for the color-combo scheme: white socks instead of red. Overall, pretty sharp: 8.7

Impressive for several reasons, this lady is covered from head to toe, we suspect, except for the eyes. Her socks, arm-length gloves and face mask all appear to match, along with the cone hat and shirt. Her long black pants effortlessly compliment her long black hair. Style 10.0. And the fact that she is actually sewing in her gloves on the street deserves an extra 1.0. She is 99 years old and looks a mere 20. Obviously, she would win our little contest hands down if she were doing all of this on a motorbike. But she is not. Minus 2.0. Reward: 9.0. Nice try, but...

We call this the 'Burka of Saigon' for obvious reasons. Clearly, not a spec of sunlight could find its way through to her. And she is on a motorbike. Her arm gloves extend to their maximum and appear to be made of silk. She has ditched the traditional face mask, for what we can only guess is a T-shirt. This photo was taken before helmets were imposed on the population, but we are sure she would have chosen wisely. Hard to tell, but she does seem to be wearing flip-flops, thus exposing an ankle or two. Overall score 9.5. Well done I say. Well done.  

Our online catalogue will soon sell these youth coverings for a fraction of what they would cost in the US or Europe.  

Devil Horns Found in Vietnam; Turns out they're Edible!

Vietnamese Word of the Day: AO (Ow!, like Ouch!)

I thought I'd seen it all: fiery rambutans, stinky durian, water coconuts the size of VW's, Bush elected a second time; but no. Today, I found AO (with a rising tone, just like you just stepped on one of these nasty buggers). 

Apparently, they're only found in lake beds. Too bad, cause they're delicious- if you like chestnuts. And I can't say I do. 

Let's get funky with it: these little horns are sharp, and they're hard as hell to open (no pun intended- well OK, just a little), and not really worth the effort- again- unless you like chestnuts. And what's the draw there? 

Seriously... What Is SO Good about Chestnuts? Granted, it's been a while, but if memory serves correctly, they taste like banana leaves.

Back to the Devil's Horns. If I were a betting man, I'd say this is where the Chinese Star idea came from. I threw one against the wall, and it stuck. And the wall was concrete.

The last picture may look like a finger, but it's the flesh beneath the Devil's Horns. The product you see here required several people and a very dangerous knife. Nut crackers would probably be more suitable, but we're in Vietnam- where anything goes.

The next post will have a picture of Sam wearing these horns. Stay tuned...