American born in Cu Chi Tunnels 30 years ago Finds Way Out

Today it was announced that an American, as yet unidentified (henceforth called AMERIVIETMAN), and speaking only Vietglish, was found wandering through the jungles of Cu Chi, the popular tourist destination, where over-sized foreign tourists try to squeeze through tunnels leftover from the French and American Wars (as they are known locally). Photo: re-enactment of the "exit," where and how said AMERIVIETMAN "exited."

Pictured here with the former Vietnamese freedom fighters who helped him find daylight, AMERIVIETMAN says, "Dark down there." Sounds scary to us at TDN, but speculation has arisen. Many are asking how AMERIVIETMAN kept his shirt so white 'down there' all these years; and others want to know if the freedom fighters are not mannequins, posing as real people. AMERIVIETMAN simply answers, "UONG," meaning "Drink" in Vietnamese. 

AMERIVIETMAN has apparently been able to communicate what he wants to drink by flashing a 1970s-era beer coaster each time he says "Uong." It appears to be an ad for the Irish beer, Guinness (pictured here). The local authorities swear that they do not know what AMERIVIETMAN is referring to, but their red eyes and cheeks tell another, more disturbing story. AMERIVIETMAN has become a living celebrity since discovery, and many wonder what will become of him. Will he become corrupted by his fame? Will he start to speak English? Will he perform on Vietnam Idol? It's really too soon to tell, but one thing is for sure: AMERIVIETMAN is really, really angry about his missing beer. If found, we at TDN would appreciate a lead: Guinness is $5 a can in Saigon, and if there are a few cases out there, well, we'll split them with you.

For readers who have asked what it was like in the tunnels all of those years, AMERIVIETMAN has been kind enough to pose for this photo in his favorite underground section.